Sunday, October 28, 2012

Post Baby

So, about 5 months ago I had a gorgeous little girl, a month before her due date.  She was a healthy almost 7 pounds and had no problems.  Except breastfeeding.  Because she was early she didn't want to nurse, she just wanted to sleep.  Since I have productions problems anyway from a reduction years ago, this didn't help.  I had to go on a medication that helps with production, but its side effect was weight gain.  Ugh.

Anyway, I only gained 13 pounds with the whole pregnancy.  I did get my sweet tooth back unfortunately, but it was late in the pregnancy when that happened so it didn't do too much damage. Within a couple weeks of having the baby, I lost 20 pounds and was incredibly happy.  But then I started the medication and immediately gained all of it back. :(

My baby will be six months is about a month and I am planning on weaning at that time and really buckle down to losing the weight, but in the mean time I am getting so sick and tired, literally and figuratively, of this load on me.

The downsides of pregnancy have stayed with me because of the weight.  I was wearing slip on shoes because I couldn't reach my feet over my belly while pregnant....and that has not gone away.  Trying to put on shoes that tie is an exercise, literally.  I am breathing hard by the time I get then on and done up.  I went into a store this weekend and tried to find a pair of jeans that fit to replace the stretch pants I wore while pregnant.  Three stores later, I left in humiliation.  No one carries my size.  I could have cried. 

So, I am starting to realize, I have to get started, even before I wean the baby.  I just can't deal with this any longer and the only way it is going to change is with me stating a goal and starting on it.

Here is my goal.  I want to lose 100 pounds in the next year.  By next Christmas I want to have 100 pounds gone.  I know it is a big goal and long term, so I am breaking it up into smaller goals.  My next smaller goal is to lose 45 pounds by spring.  I want to get family pictures done and I want to feel good in them.  45 pounds gets me back to pre baby and pre miscarriages.  Its is also what I weighed when I got married, so it will be nice to get back there. 

Isn't it funny how we connect those numbers on the scale to memories.  I know what I weighed when I got married, what I weighed with every child (I guess that one is no surprise since every appt they weigh you), I know what I weighed in high school, college etc.  I know what was my lowest and when, what was my highest and when.  I wish that number didn't effect me so much, but when you get to where I am right now, it really effects my day to day.  It isn't just a number on the scale.  It represents everything I can't do at this size.  I can't ride a rollercoaster.  Not that I would want to, but if I did, it wouldn't be an option.  I can't fly right now without some difficulty and asking for a belt extender.  I flew eight months pregnant and even though I had the reason of the baby, it was still embarrassing to have to ask for it.

I don't want to have that number dictate my life anymore.  I want to get to a weight where I don't have to think about the things I cannot do due to that number. 

Today is the first day.  My plan is to follow a restricted calories diet as well as carb cycling.  I have read Chris Powel's book, a fitness trainer who works with the super obese and has had great success.  I am planning on following his plan, modified somewhat until I finished breastfeeding.  It includes one cheat day, but with a caloric restriction that if I can follow it will allow me to occasionally have the foods I am missing without going overboard.  It includes workouts that I can fit into my day. 

I will try to keep this blog updated with my progress and let you all know how I am doing.

Thursday, February 23, 2012


So I haven't updated this blog in quite a while, but for anyone who is interested in how things have been, here you go.

After four miscarriages, I am finally pregnant; 5 months. And I haven't gained a pound. That is pretty miraculous.

I did gain everything I had lost back, and I don't think I will ever do hcg again. It just wasn't maintainable and I don't think it was very healthy. I wanted to use it as a spring board into losing weight, but I just gained it back as quick as I had lost it, even with all my efforts to maintain.

However, I have found with this pregnancy that I am craving much more healthy foods; proteins and veggies. It may be just because this babe is a girl instead of the boys I already have, but I have to wonder if being on the hcg diet made some differences. Now that I have hcg in my system this time from pregnancy, is my body remembering and going back to those habits? Maybe. All I know is that I have absolutely no interest in sweets. My husband brings home goodies and I could take them or leave them. Sometimes I take a few bites when someone gives me a dessert, but I don't go out of my way to get them, something I craved fiercely in both my other pregnancies. Maybe that will change as I get further along. We'll see.

Anyway, I have gotten more comfortable with the idea of losing weight slowly in making and keeping good habits, rather than trying to lose everything at once with radical plans that aren't maintainable. I know for myself that I need to do things that are healthy long term. So, once this pregnancy is over, I will come back here to update on what my plan is from there.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Progress report

Ugh. Not only did I not lose this last week, I gained. I'm nearly back to where I started. I have been having some hormone issues which I will talk to my doctor about this week when I go in, and I think that may be causing some of the problems. Motivation is also still a problem. Ugh.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Week 4

Ugh. No change, and I can feel the water in my hands and feet as I haven't gotten nearly enough to drink. I also haven't cared what I put in my mouth and it shows in how I feel and the number on the scale. I have decided to get involved in training for a 5k in September that is held here locally. I need more motivation and I am hoping this is it. Now, to decide on a good place to run, well walk/jog. :)

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Week 3

Not much to update. TOM was this week, so no change in weight. In, fact, I am up about half a pound, but at least it isn't more. I also haven't felt like eating, so I am sure my body is storing everything since I am not giving it much. Hopefully this week will be better.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Stumbling blocks

I had an email conversation with someone the other day who is trying to lose weight as well. She has always been thin and really is struggling with the 30 pounds she feels she needs to lose. She was telling me how so much of her self esteem is tied to how the world perceives her, especially her looks and how hard it is to have people's reaction to her be different now. This was my response.

Its interesting how we both have so much feeling tied up in how people react to our looks, but my reaction is the total opposite. I have wondered for years why I have such a hard time keeping weight off. I remember the last time I lost a lot of weight, I hit a point where I got really frustrated and then depressed and started putting weight back on. Then of course, got pregnant and here we are three years later. I wondered why I hit a point where I felt like I just couldn't take it anymore.

Anyway, I have done a lot of thinking about it and have finally realized, its people reaction to my losing weight that gets to me. Because I was never 'the pretty one', I have always thought of my worth in my personality and my brains. And because of mistreatment by men through the years,(especially when I was young and still forming my identity) I am very wary of being seen as attractive physically. When I lose weight, its seems like all people see is my body and that makes me REALLY uncomfortable. It seems like my only worth becomes what I look like, and I feel really exposed and kind of molested all over again. So I have bounced several times. By the time I get to where I am starting to be happy about what I look like, I start getting comments and such that make me really uncomfortable in my own skin and I immediately try to hide again by regaining weight. It is something I do well with sometimes, and struggle with other times. I feel pulled by either end of the spectrum. I want to be thin and pretty, but at the same time, I don't want anyone to see me that way. Makes no sense, and yet it does to me. If I am going to be successful long term in losing weight and keeping it off, this is a roadblock I am going to have to get past.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Evaluation Week Two

I would say that things are moving nicely. I haven't been extremely strict, but I have still lost 3.8 pounds in the last two weeks. I have found that it is really important for me to write down my weight every day. I can get discouraged easily and seeing my progress keeps me motivated. When I feel like nothing is happening and I might has well just forget it, I can look at my progress and see that things really are happening and I am doing well. And I am not feeling particularly deprived either. I still have a little treat when I want it, but I am not snacking as much as I did before and my meals are healthier.

As I read this website I have been intrigued and I have leaned more this way than Dukan, just because Dukan promotes as little fat as possible and I am thinking that is not good. I use good whole fats, real butter, avocados, whole milk, etc. And I am still seeing progress without limiting myself to 500 calories and without limiting fats. Granted I am not seeing 7 pounds in a week, but I think I could if I really went strictly no sugar, which I am slowly moving towards. There are treats in the house that I am allowing to slowly get eaten, but I am not buying more. Once they are gone, I will be strictly no sugar, and especially no breads/pastas for a while and then evaluate how that goes for me. I felt really good on hcg and I am thinking it was mostly from taking out sugar, so it will be interesting to see if I feel the same without the hcg.

After reading on the website, I started thinking back to when I was at a weight that now I would be really happy with. I was drinking whole milk all the time, I was eating steak and potatoes, butter, all the things people tell you not to do if you want to lose weight. It wasn't until I started dieting to lose weight that I stopped doing those things and started bouncing on the scales and slowing adding on the pounds. I need to go back to doing what I did before. Good Idaho diet. :)

Basically I am eating what I could grow or hunt, while limiting grains to just some occasional fiber. Like I said, I am not super strict right now, but I am moving that direction. I am not counting calories or worrying how much is on my plate or what time I eat it. Just as an example, this week, when I lost 2.4 pounds, I had steak or hamburger and baked potatoes smothered in real butter three times. No diet book would ever tell you that you could do that and lose weight. I am more and more convinced that meat and veggies with good fats, limiting sugar and carbs, is what it going to work long term for me.